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Chasing the shadow of pain

“Moving forward, or staying suspended, in good pain is neither right nor wrong. It just is.”

Almost three decades and we are counting. Could we keep chasing the shadow of pain? Or is the shadow of pain a forever thing, one that will always be there no matter how we try to lose it?

I’m sure some friends and family are wondering why Gary and I remain engrossed in grief work. You may wonder why we continue to attend grief conferences, facilitate grief support groups, talk and write about grief, and mingle with a group of friends who have the death of an important loved one in common. Some may be so bold as to suggest that we are way behind in putting our pain behind us and moving on.

While attending a National Conference of Compassionate Friends, I thought about this. Why are Gary and I still so committed to remembering and honoring the loss of our son, Chad E. Zastrow? I decided to challenge myself to determine if it was still possible to remember what pain felt like in those early years. I also wanted to justify my tenacity for all the reasons we do what we do.

Many people believe that after a year or two, the pain also passes. They tend to think that grieving people have left their emotions behind and have moved on to a normal life. To an outsider, this may seem true, but as most grieving people will testify, each day is a continual act of healing. A significant loss stays with us and, although it seems that we have returned to our previous activities, something has changed within us.

It is also true that many people successfully leave their pain behind and rejoin their lives as they left them. They find no need to continue the persecution. Let’s be clear on one point: this is perfectly acceptable and normal. Personally, I have determined that I am simply not one of them.

For the group of people who, like me, continue to “chase after the shadow, this can also be perfectly acceptable and normal, as long as there is continuous movement and improvement and one does not get stuck. By definition, we are not a perpetual mourning.” I believe that loss has touched our lives in a way that has changed us, and that challenges our deepest thoughts about the meaning and purpose of life. The sensitivity that remains after our losses continues to cause us to evaluate who we are and what. we want to convert as a result of this slower transformation.

Moving forward, or staying suspended, in good pain is neither right nor wrong. It simply is. It becomes what it is because of personal experience. I believe that people respond to their grief experience in two ways:

  • Cry and go

  • Cry and grow

Grieved from “Grieve and Go”

With regard to a specific grief experience, these mourners choose to move on and keep the memory of their experience. (Note: a future experience may be different). This type of duel is usually of shorter duration. This grieving person accepts that death is a natural part of life, and there is no need to revisit the experience of loss, hold on to it, or even learn more from it. They have honored their relationship, said goodbye, shed tears and accumulated their memories. They keep with them the vivid memory of the deceased person and appreciate good times and warm stories. Your loved one becomes a treasured memory stored in your hearts and minds. Everything in your response is normal and natural.

Afflicted with “crying and growing”

For those who suffer and grow, a specific experience with death has touched their lives in an extraordinary way. The person who died has spiritually connected with his soul. The grieving person carefully dissects every emotion and life change resulting from death. They often reflect on their personal relationship with the person who died and gain important clues about his life and fate. You are ready to accept death only when you have processed the events of this life and are fully ready to say goodbye. Then, they stop grieving intensely, but begin a different kind of transformation. They want the life of the person who died to mean something of value to others and / or to themselves. They commit and challenge. Grieve and Grow Mourners often embrace causes, advocate for survivors, create legacies, accomplish great feats through physical or mental challenges, and / or succeed in careers that require compassion, sensitivity, and community. This becomes their reality as long as it is satisfying and necessary for them. Everything in your response is also normal and natural.

Cry and go on, or cry and grow? Either answer is just a way of being that evolves from your experiences, but this answer may differ from loss to loss. People with any kind of response understand your travels. They both experience the process; both remember the experience, but each chooses a different way to respond to a particular loss.

Gary and I definitely embraced the “cry and grow up” response after the death of our son, Chad, as a result of suicide in 1993. We responded to his death differently than other sudden losses or deaths in our lives. Every loss we had faced before this (and some since) was without a doubt regret and disappear. None affected us or changed our lives as much as Chad’s death.

Sitting in a conference workshop, I recognized that although I am a seasoned mourner, I had something in common with everyone in that room. I think most of those present suffered a lot like me. I personally spoke with people whose losses ranged from three months to twenty-nine years. And, the longer the time frame, the greater the chance that they too will respond with grief and growth.

So are we collectively chasing the shadow of pain? Call it what you want, I don’t think so chasing the shadow it is a negative response to pain. Fortunately, there are several grieving people who can resume life in a reasonably normal way. And for those of us who continue the journey there are reasons in each of our stories.

I think I keep chasing the shadow of pain, not because it is right or wrong, but simply because it is what has happened to me.

These are the reasons why it hurts and I grow …

FRIENDS: For those I have met and for those I have yet to meet along the way. These friends are unpretentious, have no other agendas, and are genuine from the bottom of their hearts. They have loved and lost. They are moved by their experiences.

EMOTION: I still remember the first days and years as if they were yesterday. I am grateful for the compassion that I have learned from my emotions, so that I can still sympathize with the newly grieving and witness the fact that life will get better again, one day. Now, my emotions are not as fragile as they were then; the pain heals and becomes bearable over time.

EDUCATION: My grieving friends have taught me about their losses and that makes mine easier to accept. I am also pleased with the wonderful and rewarding lessons I have learned from all the professionals who have given me the privilege of continuing to learn from them.

LOSS OF DREAMS: When I worry about the loss of my dreams (wedding, grandchildren, achievements) that were once so important to me, I learned that “life assumptions” are not valid. Life is fragile and unpredictable. I am confident in building new dreams and finding happiness in alternative ways.

COMMITMENT: I am committed to honoring my child’s memory in a positive way. Suicide has always had the word “taboo” written all over it, so when Chad died, I wanted to influence people and let them know that bad things happen to good people.

DUEL WORK: I knew that my grieving work would continue for years and that it would give me the opportunity to experience everything I needed to feel. Pain is a continuous act of healing.

EXPRESSION: I have found a way to use my desire to write and express the sacred thoughts in my heart by sharing them with others.

CAUSE: I will continue the ministry of At That has come from the stabbing pain that would not heal.

SPIRIT: I am committed to the knowledge and confirmation of something much greater than human experience and to the wisdom to put my trust in the promise of the next world.

MISSION: God gave me this mission, not to save the world, but to preserve myself. I chose to be better instead of bitter. In the process, I discovered that helping others is the greatest reward for saving myself.

LEGACY: My writing and my work to create a legacy of love, not about how Chad died, but about how he lived, have confirmed the fact that there are often no answers to “Why?”

MYSTERY: I will always be amazed at the surprises that arise when I am exactly where I am supposed to be at the exact time I should be there. Now, I look for the “ah-ha” moments.

SEARCH MEANING: As I continue to search for who I am now (after loss), I prove to myself that I can be more than I ever was. This search gives my life meaning and purpose.

LOST: I always try to remember that I am and always will be a grieving parent who feels the honest emotions of loss and pain.

HOPE: I believe that life and love continue beyond death.

No matter how you look at it, we all chase the shadow of pain, sometimes for a short time; sometimes for much longer. We pursue it for as long as it takes; we chase it to understand. We may never reach it. It can fascinate us or consume us. And ultimately, it can challenge our lives temporarily or change our lives forever.

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