Many people who reluctantly separate are not sure how they are supposed to act with their separated spouse. This may seem very strange. After all, we are talking about your spouse. Chances are, you’ve known him for a long time and being around him should be as natural as breathing. However, if you are separated and want to reconcile, sometimes you may feel like you are on shaky ground with your spouse. You don’t want to do or say anything that makes him uncomfortable or alienates him. And yet, the desire to get close to him can be hard to ignore.

Someone might ask, “How do people handle displays of affection during trial separations? My husband and I have been apart for a short time and I’m honestly not quite sure about the protocol here. My husband visited the children this El weekend and we were discussing a sad topic with my husband’s extended family. My husband was upset and I went to hug him, for no ulterior motive. I just wanted to give him some comfort. I didn’t really think about it beforehand. But when I did “I felt my husband bristle. He literally stiffened at my touch. I pulled away and tried not to make a big deal out of it. I later discussed this with one of my friends and she suggested that maybe I should. Do not show physical affection to my husband while we are apart. She said that when they broke up, they don’t necessarily love each other. Is this true? Shouldn’t I show my husband affection right now? He wanted to break up. I didn’t, but nothing else. e this means that no I no longer love him. If I didn’t show him affection, he might stop. But I really don’t want to. I feel like I’ve already lost a lot. Do people really not show affection while separated? “

It really depends on the partner. I know some couples who continue to hug, kiss, have sex, etc., while they are apart. And I know others who are hesitant to play in any way. There really is no hard and fast rule on this. And in my opinion and observation (based and on my own separation), I think it is best if you follow the understandings that you have already established. Or, if you haven’t set limits, ask now or read your spouse’s cues to determine your comfort level.

My husband seemed quite uncomfortable in similar situations and I finally asked him. I literally said, “Shouldn’t I do this?” when I tried to get close to him. My husband did not flatly say no to me, but clearly he was not comfortable with physical affection at the beginning of our separation. So I finally decided to allow him to take the initiative. That way, I didn’t have to worry about doing something that might damage the communication between us. Instead, I finally focused on trying to get comfortable and laugh and relax with each other so that he would want to keep communicating. Later on, he was the initiator of physical affection and I think this worked best for us, but that may not be true for all couples.

I also know that things can change from one day to the next. There may be a time when your spouse turns away from you, and then three days later, comes over to hug you. It can certainly be confusing and can give you mixed signals. However, I don’t think you can ever go wrong by being friendly and understanding, but also observing how he is acting and how receptive he might be in that moment.

I find this frustrating. During my own separation, I used to think that it shouldn’t be so difficult to know how to act with my own husband. But I think if I had pushed the subject and pushed the affection when he was not receptive, that could have delayed our progress even more. I learned that you really have to take a gradual approach and just accept the progress that is given to you.