I recently went shopping at the Drive-In Grocery although I wasn’t entirely sure the course of action was the right one. You see, the night before I had prepared and consumed a massive amount of my patented “Barbados Chili”. Tasty stuff, a little spicy to the point of being painful, that comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat anything the next day, both of your cheeks will fall off.

Here’s the thing. I had woken up that morning, and even after a couple of hot dogs and biscuits mixed in with last night’s chili, nothing happened. No ‘Watson Move #2’. Even as the habanera peppers worked their way through my intestinal tract, I seemed unable to create the usual morning symphony Mom refers to as thunder and lightning.

Knowing a reckoning time was bound to come, but not sure when, I bravely headed to the store to pick up some Imodium to try and stave off the stuff. Upon entering the store at first everything seemed normal. I wandered the islands looking for something that might work when that pain hit me. You know, that ‘Uh oh, I have to go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this bread was different. The habaneras in the chili the night before revolted. In a mad rush for freedom, they fought their way through the small intestine, forcing their way into the large intestine, and before he could take a step toward the front door and run like a madman to the office in Seeking relief, the peppers soared. a warning shot.

There I was, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly engulfed in a noxious cloud the likes of which had never been recorded before. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile smell would escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave my lower body, and I started down the hall and out of it, just as a Spanish lady stepped into it.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the poodious exscrutiatis who refused to dissipate, as I walked toward them unsuspectingly. Have you ever felt emotionally torn in two different directions? I could have warned that poor woman, but I didn’t. I just watched her as she walked toward an invisible and seemingly indestructible wall of smell, so terrible that all she could do before coming to her senses and running was to stand there, blinking and waving her arms around her head as if trying to ward off it. the wrath. bees and cursing something in Spanish. This of course made me feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Oohhhhh, ………… As we all know, when you’re laughing, it’s hard to keep things ‘pumped down’. With each laugh, an explosive problem erupted from my darkest region.

Suddenly, things weren’t funny anymore. He was getting closer, and I ran to the front of the store yelling, “I have to use the bathroom…get out of the way” as I went, putting a cloud all the way, praying I’d get there before a big explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in time I got to the bathroom, and I was sick. Al heard the screaming and went in to check on her while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’. He made a retching sound and said in disgust, “Son of a witch!”, then quickly retreated to a safer distance.

Once I was done, I was walking out of the bathroom when Al came back and asked me, “What the hell was that all about?” That, of course, made me laugh again, causing residual gases to escape from me. He sucked in a breath, jumped back, pulling his shirt up to cover his nose, and motioned for me to leave the premises immediately.

On the way home without having done the shopping, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day they kicked me out of the bank. I can’t say more about that because we are still in disagreement on the whole thing. Sorry, the dogs claim I sounded the alarm. I see you in . . . “RRRIIIIPPPP” (oh nooo, not again?!!). . . Barbados!!