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My husband keeps leaving me and coming back, should I give up?

When you’re newly separated, things can feel so terrible. There is a lot of shock and also a great sense of urgency. But what if you’ve been through a breakup multiple times? What if your spouse has a habit of leaving you? Well, then the shock may wear off and you start to feel tired.

A wife might say, “My husband left me last week. If this had happened five years ago, I’d probably be in a panic and out of my mind. But I’ve been through all of this before. In fact, he left me several times. And then he comes back and we go through the same cycle over and over again. I’m not panicking this time because it’s hard for me to believe that eventually he won’t come back. But I also know that he will eventually go away again. I’ve gotten so tired of this cycle. I can never be in disagree or fight with him because if I do, it will eventually turn into a disagreement worthy of him leaving me. I’m getting so tired of this. I don’t want to get a divorce. That’s why I always accept it. I don’t want to hurt our kids like that. But honestly, I’m at the point where I want to take the lead and stop this cycle myself. And the only way I know how to do this is to get a divorce. It’s not really what I want. But I also know we can’t keep it up.”

The cycle may be happening because nothing changes to stop it: I understand your frustration. No one wants to keep repeating the same old painful and destructive pattern. I think couples often wear clothes like this. They don’t know how to allow it to develop otherwise. And even though it makes them unhappy, they end up following the script because they’ve never deviated from it before.

I think it is possible to break the cycle. But to do this, you’ll need to change what doesn’t get fixed with each split. When couples are in a pattern like this, it’s because nothing is changing. There is hope that things will change, which is why the husband keeps coming back. But it doesn’t change, that’s why she leaves again.

So two things need to happen to stop this. Whatever is causing the tension and friction in the first place must ultimately be addressed and significantly reduced or eliminated. And second, both spouses must commit to trying to work things out before one of them simply walks away. It’s very hard to solve a problem when someone doesn’t stick around long enough to do it.

Often when a habit has become as deeply ingrained as this, you really need help to overcome it. Since it has become somewhat obvious that the problem is not going to go away on its own, even when both people want it to, then it may be time to find a good counselor to help you with this. It doesn’t always have to cost a lot of money, and it would probably be cheaper than continuing to maintain two households every time things turn sour in your marriage.

The advisor can help you identify the trigger that triggers the chain of events in your game. Once you can both clearly see what is happening, it is much easier to pause before another recurrence. Of course, none of this is going to matter unless her husband agrees to stick around when the going gets tough instead of leaving again. But the fact that she keeps coming back tells me that she probably really wants to fix things. This cycle is probably just as painful and frustrating for him. That’s why it makes sense to try what you haven’t tried: find someone to help you identify what’s really at stake here, and then fix it once and for all.

Even old habits can be broken:Because if you can do that, then there will be no real reason for him to leave other than habit. And clothes can be torn as long as there is something that prevents the cycle from repeating itself. I know you’re tired of all this, but I think it makes sense to try again by getting the help you’ve never received before. That’s just part of knowing that he’s done everything he can to salvage his marriage before filing for a divorce that he knows he doesn’t want.

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